本命年

过了春节才算过了这一年,2009年这才算结束了,回顾往昔畅想未来的年终总结也该写了。

去年没什么起色,这挺不容易的;也没更糟糕,这挺简单的;因为我在前年就抵达谷底了。年头的时候我决定往西走了,到了清明的时候,有西边的贵人拦着,东边又来个故人拽了一把,结果就来了个烧鸡大窝脖,一咬牙一跺脚就改奔东边了。原本看着东边的前景不错,呆了三月看明白了,原来又是幅画。是画就是画吧,照猫画虎这么描吧。描着描着,东方不亮西方亮,没想到东南方出现曙光了,虽然进度有点慢,但是前景挺明朗,仿佛又看到了一幅美好的画卷。到了年根底,正呆坐着呢,一个电话打过来,重大突破,这一年总算有点鼓舞人心的事情发生了。

我总是拒绝别人的帮助,说不上什么很深的原因,大概意思就是不愿意麻烦别人。今年是接受帮助最多的一年了,其实都是可以说不的,但是那种感觉特别好,四次都伴随着转机,好兆头。比如说吧,年根底的这次,本命年我也没买红内衣红袜子红腰带什么的,懒得去,但是心里还是有点别扭,信不信的,主要是个习惯。回头碰上nana说那个红手机,买这个吧,挂点红挺好的,翻了一遍新蛋没有,转天说送我一个。这事儿就挺巧的,可着心这么来的,好多年没这感觉了。这些年都是墨菲定律作祟,怕什么来什么,想什么不来什么。许是今年姐夫睡在小姨子旁边———该翻翻身了。当然,也欠下了不少人情。人情这个东西是最重的了,想还上是很难的,索性不想了,慢慢来吧。

今年结交了几个朋友,很难得,可是有几年没有新朋友了;也丢失几个朋友,不是掰了,就是丢了。那天没事和别人打赌,结果一时冲动就抄起电话开始借钱,事实证明千万别拿钱考验人,太复杂了,也可能是我掂量错自己的分量了。所以说人贵有自知之明,今年是看自己最多的一年了。今年突然觉得到岁数了,觉得老了,时间不够用了,好像突然醒了。感到有些事情真的失去了,不可能有机会了,还有一些事情如果再不做,那也快没机会了。刚子的死加剧了这种感觉,听到消息的那天,难过得要死,到了家里,一个人了,突然一下子就崩溃了,哭了一会儿才好点。我想应该打算打算怎么活了,估计也没几年了,这玩意儿是说没就没啊,是真没啊。想了又想,觉得自己挺好的,有点小毛病也无大碍,稍微提点下素养就行了,这个不是说我多好,是没什么追求。

倒是有不少事儿想做。今年最大的改变时重新培养了阅读,包括看电影和看书。知了会是个立意不错的事情,走偏了,只好变成了和RS、nana的消遣。十二月的时候在福州买了几本不错的书,这一年在淘宝也买了几本书,还有一些没买,一则是看不过来,二则是买不起。折磨很多年的那个巨著终于有了眉目,到了年底才想明白想要写的是个什么样的东西,就好像这些年一直在黑暗中摸索,突然一下子明白了摆在那里的是什么。但是真的没把握能完成,心有余而力不足,不管怎样,今年会完成,因为我要的就是它。

感情生活几乎空白,不想去拖累别人了,别人也不要闹腾我了,老了,有点折腾不动了。一个人就一个人吧,谁还不是一个人呢。有些事情过了那个岁数就不好再做了,那就下辈子吧,只要多做善事兴许还有来生地。

今年是自我审视的一年,如果我的人生是个一直陪伴着我的隐形人的话,那么他对我来说是个混蛋,我对他来说是个恶棍。生活对我不咋地,我对他也不咋地,扯平了。今年是本命年,今年过得好不好,管这一轮,所以我决定今年对他好点,希望能换来点他的善意,一点儿就行。下一个本命年也许就看不着了,要是能看着,那可就真的老了。好好享受这十二年吧,本命年顺利。

This entry was posted on 星期二, 02月 16th, 2010 at 4:08 上午 and is filed under 未分类. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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