本命年

过了春节才算过了这一年，2009年这才算结束了，回顾往昔畅想未来的年终总结也该写了。

去年没什么起色，这挺不容易的；也没更糟糕，这挺简单的；因为我在前年就抵达谷底了。年头的时候我决定往西走了，到了清明的时候，有西边的贵人拦着，东边又来个故人拽了一把，结果就来了个烧鸡大窝脖，一咬牙一跺脚就改奔东边了。原本看着东边的前景不错，呆了三月看明白了，原来又是幅画。是画就是画吧，照猫画虎这么描吧。描着描着，东方不亮西方亮，没想到东南方出现曙光了，虽然进度有点慢，但是前景挺明朗，仿佛又看到了一幅美好的画卷。到了年根底，正呆坐着呢，一个电话打过来，重大突破，这一年总算有点鼓舞人心的事情发生了。

我总是拒绝别人的帮助，说不上什么很深的原因，大概意思就是不愿意麻烦别人。今年是接受帮助最多的一年了，其实都是可以说不的，但是那种感觉特别好，四次都伴随着转机，好兆头。比如说吧，年根底的这次，本命年我也没买红内衣红袜子红腰带什么的，懒得去，但是心里还是有点别扭，信不信的，主要是个习惯。回头碰上nana说那个红手机，买这个吧，挂点红挺好的，翻了一遍新蛋没有，转天说送我一个。这事儿就挺巧的，可着心这么来的，好多年没这感觉了。这些年都是墨菲定律作祟，怕什么来什么，想什么不来什么。许是今年姐夫睡在小姨子旁边———该翻翻身了。当然，也欠下了不少人情。人情这个东西是最重的了，想还上是很难的，索性不想了，慢慢来吧。

今年结交了几个朋友，很难得，可是有几年没有新朋友了；也丢失几个朋友，不是掰了，就是丢了。那天没事和别人打赌，结果一时冲动就抄起电话开始借钱，事实证明千万别拿钱考验人，太复杂了，也可能是我掂量错自己的分量了。所以说人贵有自知之明，今年是看自己最多的一年了。今年突然觉得到岁数了，觉得老了，时间不够用了，好像突然醒了。感到有些事情真的失去了，不可能有机会了，还有一些事情如果再不做，那也快没机会了。刚子的死加剧了这种感觉，听到消息的那天，难过得要死，到了家里，一个人了，突然一下子就崩溃了，哭了一会儿才好点。我想应该打算打算怎么活了，估计也没几年了，这玩意儿是说没就没啊，是真没啊。想了又想，觉得自己挺好的，有点小毛病也无大碍，稍微提点下素养就行了，这个不是说我多好，是没什么追求。

倒是有不少事儿想做。今年最大的改变时重新培养了阅读，包括看电影和看书。知了会是个立意不错的事情，走偏了，只好变成了和RS、nana的消遣。十二月的时候在福州买了几本不错的书，这一年在淘宝也买了几本书，还有一些没买，一则是看不过来，二则是买不起。折磨很多年的那个巨著终于有了眉目，到了年底才想明白想要写的是个什么样的东西，就好像这些年一直在黑暗中摸索，突然一下子明白了摆在那里的是什么。但是真的没把握能完成，心有余而力不足，不管怎样，今年会完成，因为我要的就是它。

感情生活几乎空白，不想去拖累别人了，别人也不要闹腾我了，老了，有点折腾不动了。一个人就一个人吧，谁还不是一个人呢。有些事情过了那个岁数就不好再做了，那就下辈子吧，只要多做善事兴许还有来生地。

今年是自我审视的一年，如果我的人生是个一直陪伴着我的隐形人的话，那么他对我来说是个混蛋，我对他来说是个恶棍。生活对我不咋地，我对他也不咋地，扯平了。今年是本命年，今年过得好不好，管这一轮，所以我决定今年对他好点，希望能换来点他的善意，一点儿就行。下一个本命年也许就看不着了，要是能看着，那可就真的老了。好好享受这十二年吧，本命年顺利。

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